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Dear Dr. Debra - Dumped By Girlfriend

Dear Dr. Debra—column January 14, 2004
Copyright Debra Mandel, Ph.D. 2007

Dear Dr. Debra,
I ve been in a committed relationship for the past three years. I thought everything was going along just fine until a week before the New Year when my girlfriend announced that she was giving me my walking papers. I was blown away. We ve had our ups and downs, sometimes longer periods of down than up, but I never anticipated that she would throw in the towel. She told me that she didn t think we had enough in common and no longer wanted to be with me anymore. Sure I haven t been that interested in the things that she likes, but she hasn t been that eager to jump into my hobbies either. I never pressured her to participate in my stuff and figured that, if I let her do her own thing as well, our differences wouldn t be such a big deal. I ve respected her wish to be left alone, but I would really like to see whether we might be able to work things out. I miss her and wish we were still together. Do you think we still have a chance?
Dumped

Dear Dumped,
It s hard to determine whether your relationship has a chance without a lot more information, especially without input from your girlfriend. But, it certainly sounds from the tone of your letter that your heart is in the right place. Unless your girlfriend has completely closed the door, possibly due to issues you haven t expressed or are unaware of, I think you might stand a chance. But you must first do a thorough inventory of the ways in which you have erred in the relationship and present this to her with full accountability.

You should ask yourself whether you have really listened to her concerns in the past. Have you dismissed things that she had said were important to her? Did she want more contact with you? She may resent the solution to keep your interests separate. Maybe she wished that you two would have spent more time doing things together. At this point I can only guess, but I wouldn t be surprised if she hasn t given you clues along the way as to her unhappiness. Sometimes people get complacent in a relationship and get comfortable with the status quo in order to avoid conflict. If this describes your behavior, then she may have been unwilling to settle and became convinced that you wouldn t make the changes needed to keep the relationship growing.

Also, before you try to win her heart, make sure that you are very clear about your motivation. If you have a wounded ego and aren t really willing to do the work to create a better union, then it would be better to let her go. If, however, you believe that you have some improvements you can make and have a similar relationship vision as your girlfriend, then by all means, test the waters for getting back together. And, if in the end it doesn t work out with her, you ll at least have a better understanding of your role in why the relationship ended and be better equipped to be a better mate in future relationships.

Thank you for your letters!

Dr. Debra Mandel, psychologist, speaker, radio show host (SHRINK RAP-every Tues. 6:30 pm, on KCSN, 88.5 fm), and author of “Healing the Sensitive Heart,” has over twenty years experience helping individuals and couples learn to THRIVE. Contact Dr. Debra at 15720 Ventura Blvd. 305, Encino, CA 91436. Email: dmdoc@earthlink.net or telephone 310.477.4849. Visit her on the web at www.sensitiveheart.com for more information about her book and CDs, “The Abuser Friendly Syndrome” and “Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace.