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Dear Dr. Debra - Grieving Too Long

Dear Dr. Debra—column February 26, 2007
Copyright Debra Mandel, Ph.D. 2007

Dear Dr. Debra,
My mom died five years ago and I can’t seem to get over my grief. She and I weren’t very close while she was alive and I have a lot of guilt about not having made a greater an effort to see her more often. She was a very hard woman to be around, often very critical and judgmental of my every move. But now after the years have passed, I have a different perspective and think I could have handled her differently, I chose to push her away because I didn’t like being picked-on. But I probably should have just ignored her digs and laugh about them. She died rather suddenly so I never had a chance to mend our relationship before it was too late. How do I finally get past the anguish and stop beating myself up?
Grieving too long

Dear Grieving,
Sadly, you haven’t really even begun to grieve because you’re stuck in a self-blame loop. I agree that you probably could have handled you’re mom’s insults better by not personalizing them so much and recognizing that she was demonstrated her care for you in the only way she probably knew how. But, hey it’s hard for anyone to be around critical people. And continuing to make yourself feel bad for something you didn’t recognize at the time doesn’t help you move forward and make peace with your loss.

I recommend you start by writing your mom a letter fully expressing your regrets and feelings about her. Then you should write a letter in return from your mom to you with her expressing her regrets and forgiveness. It takes two to tango, and your mom could have also recognized that her style in communicating with you was driving you away. She could have also attempted to change the way she interacted with you.

Sometimes we end up missing someone more intensely after they’ve been gone for awhile because we’re no longer in firing range. The distance allows up to paint a rosier picture of the good parts of the relationship and we can more easily disregard the bad parts. So it would make sense that years after your mom’s passing you have more fond memories and feelings toward her than when you were the recipient of her insults. Just accept this as part of the process of grieving and don’t be mean to yourself. I’m sure you did the best you could do with her, given whatever coping mechanisms you had at the time. You can take whatever you’ve learned from this loss and apply it to your current relationships, especially with people who are difficult. I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you’ve endured. It’s time to let go and live your life to the fullest!

Thank you for your letters!

Dr. Debra Mandel, psychologist, speaker, radio show host (SHRINK RAP-every Tues. 6:30 pm, on KCSN, 88.5 fm), and author of “Healing the Sensitive Heart,” has over twenty years experience helping individuals and couples learn to THRIVE. Contact Dr. Debra at 15720 Ventura Blvd. 305, Encino, CA 91436. Email: dmdoc@earthlink.net or telephone 310.477.4849. Visit her on the web at www.sensitiveheart.com for more information about her book and CDs, “The Abuser Friendly Syndrome” and “Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace.