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Dear Dr. Debra - Heartbroken

Dear Dr. Debra—column for November 17, 2004
By Debra Mandel, Ph.D.-copyright 2004-11-08

Dear Dr. Debra,
I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for over three years. After the break-up with my last girlfriend I became quite depressed and cynical about love. I’m thirty-two now and afraid that I’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship because I’m too afraid to ever trust someone again. My former girlfriend never cheated on me or anything like that, but she claimed to have fallen out of love with me. Hence she dumped me. My feelings hadn’t changed for her, so it was quite a shock. For the first two years after she left, I couldn’t even think about being with anyone else. Recently my friends have been on my case to get over her already and get back in the saddle. But whenever I think about getting back out there in the single, dating scene, I feel really nervous and inadequate. How can I get over my broken heart and move forward. Still Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,
While I’m certain that many of my colleagues would disagree with me, I would say that there is almost no greater pain than getting over a lost love, especially if you had put your heart and soul into the relationship. But, despite the agony, you can recover and love again. However, at this point, I think you need to first do your emotional healing before getting back out there and trying again. Otherwise, even though much time has passed, you’d most likely end-up in a rebound relationship doomed from the start.

To help facilitate your recovery, examine whether you have realistic expectations about people and their capacity to love others. Though many of us get quite seduced by the fairy tale image of love—i.e. that it will last forever, I don’t think it’s a gook idea to put much stock in this premise. That doesn’t mean that love can’t last throughout a lifetime, but I don’t think we can count on it as a given. Love needs to be nurtured and fertilized throughout a relationship.

Rather than staying stuck in having been dumped, pay attention to what you might have done in the relationship that led to its demise. Not from a shame or blame point of view, but rather from a curious position. The more we understand our own responsibility as to why something works or doesn’t, the more opportunity we have for future success. Of course, keep in mind that no matter what you might have improved upon, whether a partner wants to stay or leave still remains outside of your control.

After you figure out your own contribution, focus on what qualities you would like to have in a future partner. Get very clear about your relationship vision and the values that are important to you. Though it may not seem like it now, you might discover that your ex really wasn’t a good match for you. Most importantly, don’t let your hurt feelings keep you from loving another person. When we learn from our mistakes instead of feeling victimized by them, we can have a better relationship the next time around. When you’re ready to move on, start slow. Don’t jump into anything too quickly, even if you have really strong positive feelings. And, please seek professional help if your cynicism grows. There’s nothing worse than a crotchety old man who gave up on all woman because of one bad relationship!

Thank you for your letters!

Dr. Debra Mandel, psychologist, speaker, radio show host (SHRINK RAP-every Tues. 6:30 pm, on KCSN, 88.5 fm), and author of “Healing the Sensitive Heart,” has over twenty years experience helping individuals and couples learn to THRIVE. Contact Dr. Debra at 15720 Ventura Blvd. 305, Encino, CA 91436. Email: dmdoc@earthlink.net or telephone 310.477.4849. Visit her on the web at www.sensitiveheart.com for more information about her book and CDs, “The Abuser Friendly Syndrome” and “Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace.