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Dear Dr. Debra - New Years Resolution

Dear Dr. Debra—column December 31, 2003
Copyright Debra Mandel, Ph.D. 2007

Dear Dr. Debra,
Every year I make several New Year s resolutions. By the end of the year, I m always disappointed as I never seem to succeed at making the changes I promise myself. Usually I vow to get into better shape, lose ten pounds and stop eating junk food. Often I have a couple of weeks in January where I m really on track. But, inevitably by the end of the month, I m back to my same old habits. What s your take on resolutions and why do I keep failing?
To resolve or not to resolve.

Dear Resolve,
I hope you will take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in you self-defeat. Anniversaries, birthdays, and year-end are common times when people reflect on the past and imagine the picture of what they wish the coming year to look like. These are times when people set new goals and have an increased motivation to change. Unfortunately, however, many people end up suffering the same disappointment you describe.

Though our intentions are good at the time we make these resolutions, achieving a lasting change requires much more than a calendar date. Often we think we are setting a simple and realistic goal, yet actually accomplishing the goal becomes far more complicated than we originally realize. For instance, your vow to get into better shape may seem straightforward. But, I would bet that there are a number of factors outside of your awareness that interfere with your efforts. I don t have enough information about you to accurately hypothesize, but if you look beneath the surface you might discover fear or self-doubt. Or, maybe you use junk food to soothe uncomfortable feelings. If so, then you won t be able to change your eating habits until you learn better ways of coping and find new, healthier ways to nurture yourself.

I suggest that before you make anymore resolutions that you first examine how you sabotage your goals. Also, check-out your motivation. Do you not like who you are? Do you think you would be a better person if you were to lose ten pounds? Are you searching for self-fulfillment and mistakenly believing that altering your physical appearance will bring internal happiness? If you are expecting yourself to make changes, but you are coming from a negative place, you are going to create a formula for resistance. For true change to occur, we have to accept who we are in the present and make sure to get rid of any unnecessary shame.

Your best resolution might be to vow to get on a path of self-discovery and lifelong self-care. Heal whatever might be getting in the way of your staying on this path. Be kind and gentle. Most importantly, make sure to acknowledge progress and the process rather than getting stuck on the ultimate outcome.

Thank you for your letters!

Dr. Debra Mandel, psychologist, speaker, radio show host (SHRINK RAP-every Tues. 6:30 pm, on KCSN, 88.5 fm), and author of “Healing the Sensitive Heart,” has over twenty years experience helping individuals and couples learn to THRIVE. Contact Dr. Debra at 15720 Ventura Blvd. 305, Encino, CA 91436. Email: dmdoc@earthlink.net or telephone 310.477.4849. Visit her on the web at www.sensitiveheart.com for more information about her book and CDs, “The Abuser Friendly Syndrome” and “Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace.