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Dear Dr. Debra - Road Rage

Dear Dr. Debra—column January 28, 2004
Copyright Debra Mandel, Ph.D. 2007

Dear Dr. Debra,
I heard you on your radio show, Shrink Rap, when you were talking about "road rage." You read an email from a woman whose husband suffers from this kind of rage. She expressed how frightened she has become to get in the car with him. This really struck a chord for me because I, too, have a husband who becomes irate over the littlest things just about every time we�re in the car together. I imagine that he must be even worse when he's driving alone. I fear that he will someday lose it so badly that he�ll get into a bad accident while seeking his "revenge."

Sometimes he just yells profanities and shakes his fists when he thinks another driver has wronged him or made a mistake, like failing to signal before changing lanes. But, other times, he takes far more dangerous action like riding on the other driver's bumper or getting into a car chase. He's fifty-years old, but he acts like a wounded five-year old. I don't what to do. I've told him that I won't drive with him anymore until he gets this problem under control. I must admit, I've made the threats but haven't followed through. What do you recommend?
Driving me crazy

Dear Driving,
Rage is different than anger and can be quite destructive. Rage is anger coupled with a sense of helplessness or powerlessness. When people get into a rage state, they are in a fight for their survival. My guess is that your husband expects to feel powerful when he gets behind the wheel only to continually notice his vulnerability and how little control he actually has over other drivers and the surroundings. He hasn�t made peace with his powerlessness and this causes him fear and the tendency to over-react.

Having given you an overview of what might be happening in your husband's psyhe, however, does not give him license to continue behaving this way. Hopefully he will take notice of how his rage causes even more stress (both in the moment, and long-term in the relationship) and begin to see the value in learning how to cope with the road from a calmer, more relaxed position. Once he recognizes his fear, then he can accept his vulnerability behind the wheel. Ideally, he will also come to lower his expectations of other drivers, gaining more tolerance for other people's mistakes. I;m sure your husband isn't a perfect driver either. Plus, allowing extra time to get to and from places can also lower the risk of becoming enraged.

In the meantime, I highly recommend that you follow up on no longer driving with him, keeping in mind that you can�t control his behavior, only your own reactions to it. However, don't come from a punitive attitude. Instead, come from a loving and caring position. Let him know how much you value his life as well as your own. Tell him that you would prefer to travel with him but that you are unwilling to continually feel unsafe. Try to have this conversation when both of you are relaxed and in good spirits so that he will likely be more receptive. Also, try to get curious about what other things might be bothering your husband. It's possible that he's channeling stress and other problems while driving rather than facing them head on. I certainly hope he'll listen for the sake of all us.

Thank you for your letters!

Dr. Debra Mandel, psychologist, speaker, radio show host (SHRINK RAP-every Tues. 6:30 pm, on KCSN, 88.5 fm), and author of “Healing the Sensitive Heart,” has over twenty years experience helping individuals and couples learn to THRIVE. Contact Dr. Debra at 15720 Ventura Blvd. 305, Encino, CA 91436. Email: dmdoc@earthlink.net or telephone 310.477.4849. Visit her on the web at www.sensitiveheart.com for more information about her book and CDs, “The Abuser Friendly Syndrome” and “Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace.