Healing Rifts

Have you ever become estranged from a loved one because of a different life path, physical distance, time restrictions or irreconcilable differences? Or maybe you don’t even know why your once close confidant won’t even give you the time of day anymore. Well, you certainly wouldn’t be alone.

Jane hadn’t spoken to her mom, Paula, in years. Paula had sent Jane letters on many occasions pleading for an explanation but Jane refused to respond. She’d been angry at her mom since childhood because she perceived that Paula had favored Jane’s younger sister, Erica. Five years ago, Paula invited Erica to dinner without including Jane—usually they all three met for dinner once per month. Jane saw this as further proof that her mother liked Jane better and this straw broke the camel’s back.

Pam and Jenny (sisters) lost their closeness because a couple of years ago Pam asked Jenny if she had put on a few pounds. Pam certainly meant no harm. Actually she was worried since Jenny had always been in such good shape and Pam thought something might be wrong with her sister as in some sort of illness or hormonal issue. But Jenny’s feelings were hurt beyond repair and she jumped to the conclusion that Pam was shaming her.

Tom had completely severed ties with his best friend Kevin. According to Tom, Kevin only thinks about himself. The two of them had a terrible argument last year when Kevin blew off a promise he’d made to Tom. Tom never gave Kevin a chance to explain.

Clearly, some relationships are better off severed altogether especially in cases of abuse or when a relationship developed around a particular function that no longer exists and there is no chemistry or common interest to keep the connection going. For instance, we might have a causal co-worker relationship that develops because we both share a dislike of our boss. Yet, when we change jobs, we recognize we really had nothing worth holding onto. These kinds of relationships usually fizzle out without much feelings of loss. However, many people break ties with significant people due to misunderstandings and irrational conclusions about intentions. Many times a rift appears irresolvable when it occurs, but as we calm down and get some perspective, we discover that we’ve made a mountain out of a molehill. We want to make amends but we’re at a loss for how to begin. But there is hope with the right tools!

Jane and her mom, Pam and her sister, and Tom and his friend all discovered that they had each had a role in their rifts and needed to come to a new understanding. They all salvaged their damaged connection once they knew how to communicate better and develop more reasonable expectations of what their relationships should and could provide and learn to let go of unrealistic demands of others.

While we won’t all have such happy endings, there are lots we can do to try to repair connections before completely casting these people to the side.

If you would like to transform a rift back into a positive relationship, try the following seven steps:

Evaluate what originally created the separation—e.g. difference of opinion, personality clash, stubbornness, pride, etc. As long as it wasn’t because of unacknowledged abuse, if the relationship is important it’s worth taking extra steps to rebuild it. (I say “unacknowledged abuse” because sometimes there was past abuse that caused estrangement. But if the abuser has taken responsibility and has made behavioral changes and the person is a very close relative like a parent, then repairing the wounds can be extremely healing to your growth. But if the person remains abusive, it’s best to move on.)
Honestly assess your own part in the rift. Did you communicate clearly your needs, feelings and reactions? Did you have reasonable expectations of the other person—or is your disappointment generated from expecting the impossible? Could you have possibly misperceived intentions?
Once you acknowledge your part, contact the estranged one and make amends for your role, no matter how small you think that might have been. Self-disclosure and responsibility usually begets more of the same in someone with whom you are trying to mend. Even if you are met with blame and accusation, at least you’ll know that you cleaned up your part of the rift.
Let the estranged one know that you would like to repair the relationship and offer constructive solutions to building the bridge—e.g. say something like, “I apologize for reacting so strongly to …., I would like more information as to what you were thinking and feeling.” Or, “I want to get close again, but I would need to know that you will be sensitive to my feelings about your yelling at me.”
Keep pride from getting in your way. Too often many of us hold on to our need to be right to the point of overriding the value of having the relationship. Instead, practice humility and curiosity.
No matter what–let go of hurt and resentment. As a friend of mine said, “Resentments are like swallowing poison and waiting for the other guy to die.” So, even if your efforts at repair fail, you need to make peace with this, grieve the loss, and move forward. Regret only begets more regret. So don’t dwell on the past!
If the estranged person rejects you efforts at amends, make a final attempt to ask if there is anything you can do to repair the relationship. If the person ignores you or says there’s no chance, then it’s best to accept the rejection, and move on, knowing that you’ve done what you could on your end. It’s not always easy to let go, but we must remember that we can’t control other people’s reactions, only our own behavior.